The M.I.A. Bridesmaid

Have a bridesmaid who’s missing in action? There may be a reason for that.

“Sometimes support is all a friend needs. Even on your wedding day.”

I was recently on a Facebook forum for weddings when I became briefly invested in a post from a bride-to-be. She was in a tough situation with one of her bridesmaids, and she was reaching out for support and advice on what to do.

Her bride tribe was looking forward to her wedding, and helping out however way they could. Everyone that is, except for one bridesmaid, who seemed uninterested in all the festivities leading up to the Big Day.

In fact, the bride had tried to reach out to her about whether she’d purchased her bridesmaid dress — and, crickets. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Nothing. She was clearly frustrated and wondered if she should ask her bridesmaid to step down.

It made us wonder: what would we do if one of our bridesmaids was missing in action or M.I.A?

Give your bridesmaid the benefit of the doubt.

Show your friend some grace. Maybe your bridesmaid isn’t involved in wedding plans because she’s got something going on with her personal life. She could be closed off for many reasons, including not wanting to burden you with her struggles during one of the happiest moments of your life. Your bridesmaid could also be too embarrassed to talk about what she’s going through, and isn’t ready to open up. Whatever the case, let her know you’re there for her and show some support. Sometimes uplifting a friend is all that needs to be done to turn around a situation like this. She may tell you she wants to be part of the wedding, but may not show up the way you want her to because she’s dealing with a lot right now. You’re essentially being there for one another — with her still wanting to be by your side at the alter, and you — supporting her when she’s down.

“Whatever the case, try not to gossip with others about her and the situation. You don’t need that negative energy hovering over your wedding day.”

She can’t afford it.

Bridesmaid duties can be expensive. We talk about it here. She could possibly want to be a part of your wedding, but can’t afford it. Your friend may be hesitant to tell you the truth. It’s not easy admitting you can’t pony up the cash when everyone else seems to have no problem. Talk to her one-on-one and see if that’s the case. Maybe let her know the fact that she’ll be standing next to you on your wedding day is all you need from her. If you need more than that from her, we’ll explore the options of asking a bridesmaid to step down below.

She’s not comfortable with the other bridesmaids.

Does she know the other girls? Is there a rift in the group? Is she being iced out? Is she bothered by some of the plans? For example, is the bachelorette party getting a little out of hand? It’s easy to tell someone to set aside their emotions, and try to get along with the rest of the crew. But when you’re the one excluded or feeling offended, you most likely would want to create distance from the group. Come to a compromise with bachelorette party plans, if that’s what’s happening. If that’s out of the question, ask her if she’s OK sitting this one out and having a one-on-one spa day instead. If one of your other bridesmaids is being a mean girl, maybe you need to have a conversation with that friend instead.

Replace her.

Of course we don’t want this to happen if you can help it, and we’d rather see you both work it out. But if after you’ve spoken with your M.I.A. bridesmaid and you reach an agreement that they just aren’t able to be there for you like you need them to be — then it’s probably time to ask her if she’s OK stepping down as a bridesmaid. Tell her you'd still love for her to attend your wedding because your friendship is what matters most. This could be a relief to her, and it may be a better situation for you too.

Whatever the case, try not to gossip with others about her and the situation. You don’t need that negative energy hovering over your wedding day. Remember to first give her the benefit of the doubt that she’s too uncomfortable opening up about. Sometimes support is all a friend needs. Even on your wedding day.

Written By Vows & Forever Founder and Veteran Journalist Maria Cid. V&F is a wedding vows & speech writing service that also specializes in speech coaching and wedding timeline coordination.