Can’t make it or don’t want to go? The ways to RSVP your regrets

You’ve been invited to a wedding, and you won’t be able to make it. Hopefully the couple is counting on shaving off their guest list, and doesn’t mind.

But there’s no room for guessing games. You’ll have to tell the couple right away whether you can attend their nuptials so they can give their venue and caterer a final guest count.

Here’s a list of scenarios of why you may not be able to make it (or don’t want to attend), and how to politely respond.

You have another obligation

Most people will understand if you have somewhere else to be and can’t make it to their wedding. But if you’re a close friend or relative, be prepared to explain why you can’t make it. We suggest not only sending in your RSVP immediately, but also calling or texting before the couple receives it so they’re not caught off guard.

You don’t want to go

We won’t pry — but there could be a million different reasons why you don’t want to attend a wedding. Finances? It’s too far? You’d have to take a vacation day (or maybe you don’t have anymore vacation days)? Maybe you just aren’t too fond of this person (or their fiancé(e))? Or maybe you just don’t like weddings.

If your reason will hurt the couple’s feelings or it’s something personal you don’t want to share, keep it to yourself. Just be prepared with your response if you’re asked about why you’re declining the invitation.

PROTIP: Stuck on what to say to the couple? You can always keep it vague and tell them you have a prior obligation, but that you’d like to send a gift regardless.

The pandemic

If you’re just not ready yet to be among a crowd of people, it’s perfectly fine to send your blessings from afar. Maybe ask the couple if they’ll have a virtual link for the ceremony. You can also ask if it will be outdoors or guests will be required to test or show proof of vaccination. Those small requirements may change your mind about attending.

Can’t make it? Now here’s the etiquette for declining an invitation.

RSVP right away

Whether you can or can’t attend — the number one rule is to RSVP immediately so the couple can finalize their headcount. Keeping track of RSVPs and following up with guests who don’t respond can be the most time consuming and stressful during wedding planning. Make sure to do the couple a favor and let them know whether you’re attending right away so they can check you off their list.

Don’t change your mind

Once you RSVP, however, make sure you don’t change your mind — especially, after the last minute. There’s a reason you RSVP’ed, and changing the guest count can mess up the seating chart, the catering bill…the list goes on!

Send a gift

It’s also polite and gracious to send the couple a gift to show your support, and to thank them for including you on their guest list. They’ll be grateful for your blessings and the gesture.

Declining an invitation after you’ve said “yes”

If something suddenly comes up and you absolutely can’t attend a wedding you RSVP’ed “yes” to — tell the couple immediately. If they’ve already finalized their headcount (typically two weeks before the wedding), that means all their payments were due and paid. Apologize to the couple for your RSVP change, and tell them you understand it means money out of their pocket for your empty seat.

PRO TIP: Some guests, who drop out last minute, will pay for their meal on top of giving a wedding gift. You’d never leave someone with a bill at a restaurant if you didn’t show up to eat, right? It’s the same principle.

Written By Vows & Forever Founder and Veteran Journalist Maria Cid. V&F is a wedding vows & speech writing service that also specializes in speech coaching and wedding timeline coordination