Invited to a wedding? The do’s and don’ts of how to be a considerate wedding guest

When my husband and I got married a few months ago I couldn’t believe some of the experiences I had with my guests.

I don’t think they intended to be offensive or careless, but that didn’t mean it made the sting hurt any less.

When I told some of my married friends about the words that came out of my guests’ mouths or decisions they made — nearly all of them had similar stories.

Here are the Do’s and Don’ts for wedding guests, and how to handle them if you’re the bride and groom.

Make sure to RSVP.

There is no excuse for failing to RSVP to a wedding. Invitations can be expensive, but more importantly — they’re sent out for important reasons: to let you know you’ve been invited, to inform you of the date and time and to give you the opportunity to tell the couple if you can or can’t make it. Once couples finalize their headcount, their caterer and venue typically won’t allow them to change that number. You wouldn’t want the bride and groom chasing you down if you forget to tell them whether you’ll be attending their wedding. If you’re the one getting married, reach out to guests who haven’t RSVPed. Don’t assume they’re not attending if you don’t hear from them.

PRO TIP: Make sure to fill out the RSVP card with your name so the couple isn’t trying to figure out who sent it. Nothing can be more frustrating than getting a blank RSVP in the mail.

Arrive early to the ceremony.

There’s no excuse to arrive late to a ceremony — unless there was an emergency. But if you’re running late because you didn’t manage your time well then you’ll have to try and sneak your way into the ceremony without causing a scene. That means quietly entering a venue (if you can) and taking a seat in the back row or standing somewhere in the distance. Wherever you are, make sure other guests and especially, the couple don’t notice you hovering awkwardly. If it’s difficult to poke your head into a venue or the doors are locked, you’ll have to patiently wait outside. Apologize to the couple later — but maybe not on their wedding day.

Be courteous.

The ceremony is the most important part of a wedding, and you absolutely need to make sure you don’t do anything that steers away attention from the couple. For example, if a ceremony is “unplugged” (meaning no phones are allowed) then keep your phone in your purse or pocket. There’s a reason why couples implement this rule. It gives the photographer, videographer and even guest around you an unobstructed view of the alter at all angles. It makes sure everyone is attentive. Another factor to be aware of is to know when to quietly step out if you have children making loud noises during the ceremony.

No kids allowed.

It’s not out of the norm for a “no kids” rule at weddings. Don’t be offended if you get an invitation that states no children will be allowed. Some couples choose to go this route when trying to save money or if they want to make sure there are no distractions during the ceremony

PROTIP: If you’re not inviting kids to your wedding, tell your guests early on so they can make arrangements in order to attend your wedding.

Don’t write a check.

If you’re giving money as a wedding gift, consider cash or a gift card. Checks can be a hassle for many couples who are changing their names. If you write a check, they may not be able to cash it until their name is legally changed, which could take weeks or even months. If you absolutely want to gift a check and not cash, consider writing the check to the person who isn’t changing their name (if that’s the case).

Don’t talk about future kids.

Many wedding guests will congratulate couples on their wedding day, and then immediately ask when they’re planning to have children. I had one guest tell me we’d better come back pregnant after our honeymoon. My guest had no idea that we were having a difficult time conceiving. Our advice: we suggest not talking about future kids with the newly married couple, just in case they’ve chosen not to have children or they’re having challenges getting pregnant. It could be a sensitive subject for the bride and groom — so it’s best not to say anything at all unless the couple has openly talked about trying to get pregnant. If you’re the bride and groom, you can be honest about your situation or quickly say “thank you” and step away. It’s your wedding day, try to focus on the positive.

As a guest, it’s an honor to be invited to a wedding and it should be treated as a such. More importantly, you wouldn't want to add any more stress onto the couple than they’re likely experiencing planning a wedding. If you’re the bride-and-groom-to-be, just remember your day most likely won’t be flawless. Try to roll with the punches, and shrug off the imperfections that come your way.

Written By Vows & Forever Founder and Veteran Journalist Maria Cid. V&F is a wedding vows & speech writing service that also specializes in speech coaching and wedding timeline coordination.